“Just Back Off”

I’ve discussed the issue of men and their perceived “fears and weaknesses” and how it’s impacting on their lives but before I go into that in a detailed way, I want to discuss one of the major reasons why relationships blow up in the first place. And this is important and not to be taken lightly.

If you have a good look at your life, and any problem associated with it, you may find that you are looking at things and people as the ones that define who you are. In other words you are missing the most important ingredient in life. You! Maybe, if I can explain it this way; there was an advert on TV a few years back in which two lovers were sitting on the couch and discussing what they meant to each other and the young women made this comment “I love him…he…just completes me in every way (with the fluttering eye leashes)” and the guy was looking fairly pleased with himself. Yeh, it was a spoof type ad, but it is so completely wrong in its message. But this is how we live our relationships within the exterior world, including our relationships with our partners and family.

What it actually infers is that we are not complete until we have what we want…on the outside. I’ve asked many clients (in fact it’s a stock question I ask), “Do you know who you are?” and the common answer is a blank look and a puzzled expression with the answer being one of these two:

  1. “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it before” or
  2. “Well, I do this for a job and I have two kids and I own a boat, a jet ski, and I love listening to Pink Floyd when I get a bit stoned, and my wife well she’s devoted to me, etc”.

The first answer I like…at least it’s honest. The second answer is a misunderstanding of the question. The second answer is only telling me what you do and what you’ve got. Not who!! It’s a common mistake but a serious one. Actually, both answers are serious, for obvious reasons. Firstly if you don’t know who you really are then you’re lost…or incomplete…insecure. Secondly, if you think that “who you are” is associated with what you do and what you’ve got, you are also very much in danger. What happens when you lose your job, lose the boat and Jet Ski and the wife and kids make a run for it (because they will if you’re like this)? Your sense of self (or who you think you are) disappears…you become lost…insecure…and incomplete.

We have a tendency to look at the outside world as if is our “Savior”. But in the relationship, we do the same thing. We can look at our partners as if “they will complete me”. You may disagree with me but hear me out first. If you need someone else in a relationship to complete you, then you are automatically admitting that you’re incomplete (that’s the first bit), and when that “perfect someone else” says something wrong does something without your knowledge or permission or just happens to have a sideways glance at a pair of legs walking past or a muscle mutt walking by…all hell breaks loose…because now…you don’t feel completed. In fact, now you feel jilted, insecure and jealous. The next thing to follow are the accusations and the projection of guilt. Rationality has now left the building, and the slinging match begins until someone breaks…and maybe some things!  Please understand this…no one has the remote possibility of completing you…because you already are complete…you just don’t know it yet.

To know yourself; that is to say, to know what and who you are, and understand where that “what and who” comes from is the most self empowering knowledge you can have. Many say that this is a spiritual thing but I don’t think it is. Yes it is called “enlightenment” but it is a fact, and once you dive inside yourself and discover yourself, you will come to a very quick understanding that no thing or person can define who and what you are. You will discover your authenticity and create a new reality for your life from that paradigm.

Now, I’m pointing this at men, but ladies this goes for you too. In a relationship sense, if you look at the relationship as an investment. Each of you owns a 50% share holding in that investment. And that “share” is YOU, and you are each responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of that share. The upkeep and maintenance of that share is the commitment to discovering your own authenticity. Otherwise you remain exactly as you are and stagnate…that stagnation translates into the relationship.

Relationships are meant to grow and transform…not stagnate. They stagnate because there is no growth in either one or both partners. As soon as one partner becomes “enlightened” to the fact that their partner is not growing, they try to help the situation. It is really NOT about you helping the “significant other” maintain themselves…that’s their issue not yours. You are there to support them in whatever way you can to maintain themselves…but you are not there to help them do it. The very second you enter into helping them; you are entering into a sacred area of life where angels themselves would fear to tread! And you will come out burnt nearly every time.

Supporting the other is very different from helping. Just think on this for a few minutes and hopefully you’ll get it. When you decide to get your hands dirty and “help” your partner with an issue, you have (believe it or not) judged them and their issue and have already, in your own mind, come up with a solution that’s all good…for you! They have had no part in this decision making at all. That’s what you call “controlling”! Yeh, I know….that’s not what you wanted to do, it’s ok…it’s a mistake that many of us do because we love the other. Supporting your partner is so completely different. Supporting them is really seeing the best and believing the best in your partner (not seeing their faults) and just being there, comforting, encouraging, maybe holding them and allowing the tears to fall on your shoulder (with ya mouth firmly shut!) and your total focus on knowing how fantastic they are for dealing with their issue in the first place (again with your mouth firmly shut!)…your actions of tenderness, care, love and support will speak so much louder than anything you could possibly say. Or they may just want some time out to be alone and think…allow that!!! It’s not about you. I’ve met a lot of couples who do this and they have an amazing relationship, albeit, they still have their low times. They have learnt to grow through it, not entertain it and drown in it. So the question may pop up “What the hell are we doing that’s so wrong?”  Well, these “successful” couples have learnt, somewhere in life, that they don’t “need” each other to have a loving relationship. They have learnt the importance of allowing their loved ones time out to maintain themselves. There is no fear, judgment, jealousy and lack of trust. They know that to expect their partner to complete them is causing so much added stress to them…and those expectations are insane. They know that it’s a recipe for disaster for the relationship, and they love their partner so much, all they seek is their partners’ freedom by seeking it within themselves first.  I’m not writing this from a “viewers” perspective though, I write this from pure experience. I’ve been in exactly the same position as you and I can tell you now, that to begin to understand the “what and who you are”  inside of you only, will change your whole perspective on life, including all your relationships. The seemingly impossible starts to happen and that is the miracle. You are it!!!

I’ll leave it there and hopefully you will understand what I’m banging on about.

If you want to get in touch here’s my phone number and email. Or just fill out the form below and Ill be in touch. Thanks for reading.

Mobile: +61 474 570 063 or email: tony@tonykanecounselling.com